As a therapist, I've had numerous sessions with clients, who grapple with an age-old truth that we simply cannot control everything in our lives. Whether it's fretting about what others think of us, worrying about the ever-unpredictable future, or dwelling on past mistakes or situations, these concerns can often weigh us down.

What people think of me is none of my business

I love the saying, ‘What people think of me is none of my business’, but how easy is it to keep in our sites, when our ego is triggered or we worry about how we are seen? Research in the field of happiness, indicates that our preoccupation with the opinions of others, can lead to heightened anxiety and diminished self-esteem and being pre-occupied with what people think is nothing but energy-consuming. The key lies in understanding that, whilst we cannot dictate their thoughts, we can certainly dictate our reactions to them and by staying in our own frame of reference and believing in it, will diminish the effects of the opinions out there. As humans, we are conditioned to be with others, please others and serve others, but setting boundaries regarding how much we do that and let others' opinions affect us, is a crucial step to keeping ourselves safe and sane. Let's face it, just like you can't control the weather, you can't control the emotional climate of others.

Renowned researcher Brené Brown's work on vulnerability and shame, teaches us that emotions are profoundly individual experiences, shaped by life's twists and turns. It is about us as well as them and being in our ‘adult’ is a way to defend ourselves against jibes and judgement, not allowing ourselves to be crippled by the words and taking it at face value. To see things from others point of view or frame of reference, will help us realise that the ‘comment’ isn’t always about us and that something else is going on for them as well, causing a projection of blame and a side-stepping of their own issues. I can appreciate how hard this can be, however, and allowing time and space for this process to play out, can help with unpicking how to navigate this sometimes hostile landscape.

Embracing your empathy

Embracing your empathy in this, is a good move here, but remember that you also can't hold everyone’s stuff. To let it go, takes practice, but once you start to set those boundaries, in terms of how much emotional responsibility you take on, it can become a healthy habit to have. Whilst you cannot stop people from uttering those damaging words, you certainly have a say in the role you play in that performance. Setting firm emotional boundaries and allowing yourself to say no, can help to protect your peace, whilst allowing for open communication and honesty. How many of us actually tell people how their words make us feel….really? By just explaining what we are experiencing, can often be enough to set that boundary in place for good.

Our super power is our ‘f*ck-it-filter’, as I call it, and is of paramount importance here. Allowing others to tell you you’re wrong, “why didn’t you do it this way?” or tell you how you should feel, need not have a bearing on what you actually do, react or feel. Negativity and toxicity always comes from someone else’s stuff and that is certainly NOT your responsibility. It’s your life and your time line. Setting boundaries around negative self-talk and embracing your own self-compassion, is an integral part of protecting your inner zen and this can only be done by realising your imperfections and vulnerabilities and just being very okay with those!

However, even if you've got a knack for uncovering people’s motives and detecting where people are coming from, you may never fully decipher everyone's intentions and you don’t need to. But place your trust in your intuition and step away from the drama when you feel it hotting up. To say nothing and remove yourself often displays that boundary, without any words having to be uttered. You are the only one who can do that for you. Be careful here to not ‘ghost’ or avoid a situation though and if things need to be said, then say them in a graceful way and with the intention you are holding.

When we lean into our resilience

That resilience, plays a crucial role in boundary setting and provides us with the strength and determination to establish and maintain healthy limits. When we lean into our resilience, we are better equipped to withstand external pressures, criticism, or attempts to breach those boundaries. Resilience enables us to bounce back from setbacks, persevere in the face of challenges, and remain focused on our commitment to self-care. It can be tough to maintain, but think of the end goal and how it can empower us to communicate our needs and limits effectively. Even in the face of resistance or push-back, resilience, truthfulness and being brave, ultimately encourages healthier and more respectful relationships and is an integral component of personal growth and well-being….even if you lose a few people along the way (it’s worth it).

Your past doesn't dictate your future and however hard it has been to maintain those boundaries, it is never too late to set them. Also, establishing boundaries around how much you ruminate on the past and worry about the future frees your mental space and enables you to deal with life as it is unfolding now. It also helps us to appreciate the nuances of the present and appreciate what’s going on right at this moment and this can feel super-grounding.

Everyone looks at the world through their own unique lens. You may not be able to change others’ perspective, but you can certainly choose your own. Focus your energies on the aspects you can influence and strike a balance for you by using that filter as a steadfast companion.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.” Brené Brown