As a therapist, I've had numerous sessions with clients, who grapple with an age-old truth that we simply cannot control everything in our lives. Whether it's fretting about what others think of us, worrying about the ever-unpredictable future, or dwelling on past mistakes or situations, these concerns can often weigh us down.
What people think of me is none of my business
I love the saying, ‘What people think of me is none of my business’, but how easy is it to keep in our sites, when our ego is triggered or we worry about how we are seen? Research in the field of happiness, indicates that our preoccupation with the opinions of others, can lead to heightened anxiety and diminished self-esteem and being pre-occupied with what people think is nothing but energy-consuming. The key lies in understanding that, whilst we cannot dictate their thoughts, we can certainly dictate our reactions to them and by staying in our own frame of reference and believing in it, will diminish the effects of the opinions out there. As humans, we are conditioned to be with others, please others and serve others, but setting boundaries regarding how much we do that and let others' opinions affect us, is a crucial step to keeping ourselves safe and sane. Let's face it, just like you can't control the weather, you can't control the emotional climate of others.
Renowned researcher Brené Brown's work on vulnerability and shame, teaches us that emotions are profoundly individual experiences, shaped by life's twists and turns. It is about us as well as them and being in our ‘adult’ is a way to defend ourselves against jibes and judgement, not allowing ourselves to be crippled by the words and taking it at face value. To see things from others point of view or frame of reference, will help us realise that the ‘comment’ isn’t always about us and that something else is going on for them as well, causing a projection of blame and a side-stepping of their own issues. I can appreciate how hard this can be, however, and allowing time and space for this process to play out, can help with unpicking how to navigate this sometimes hostile landscape.
Embracing your empathy
Embracing your empathy in this, is a good move here, but remember that you also can't hold everyone’s stuff. To let it go, takes practice, but once you start to set those boundaries, in terms of how much emotional responsibility you take on, it can become a healthy habit to have. Whilst you cannot stop people from uttering those damaging words, you certainly have a say in the role you play in that performance. Setting firm emotional boundaries and allowing yourself to say no, can help to protect your peace, whilst allowing for open communication and honesty. How many of us actually tell people how their words make us feel….really? By just explaining what we are experiencing, can often be enough to set that boundary in place for good.