“We Didn’t Talk About Feelings”: How Boomer Parenting Shaped Generation X
Baby Boomers: 1946 – 1964 (Ages 62–80)
Generation X: 1965 – 1980 (Ages 46–61)
During my time as a counsellor, I’ve noticed a consistent pattern emerging in many of my Generation X clients.
They are capable, thoughtful, often deeply self-aware people. They’ve built lives, careers, families. They cope. They manage. They get on with things.
And yet, underneath that, there is often something quieter.
A sense of not quite being heard.
A discomfort with needing too much.
A habit of handling things alone and perhaps not knowing how to handle praise.
It’s not always obvious. In fact, it’s often very well hidden. But once you start to see it, it’s hard to unsee.
This has led me to reflect more deeply on where this pattern might come from. Not in a way that blames, but in a way that understands.
Because when we understand the context, we can begin to soften the impact and help clients with perspective.
A Generation Raised on Independence
Generation X are often referred to as the “latchkey generation.”
Many children came home to empty houses after school (myself included). They made their own snacks or waited for dinner, managed their own time, and learned early how to rely on themselves.
This wasn’t neglect in the way we might frame it today. It was, in many families, simply the reality.
From the 1970s onwards, there was a significant shift. More women were entering the workforce, often out of necessity rather than choice. This led to family structures changing quickly, but the emotional support systems didn’t always evolve at the same pace.
So children adapted.
They became independent, capable, and self-sufficient.
And those are strengths.
But independence learned too early, can sometimes come at the cost of emotional connection.
“Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard”
Many Generation X adults grew up in households where emotional expression wasn’t encouraged.
Not because their parents didn’t care, but because they didn’t have the tools.
Boomers, for the most part, were not raised with the language of feelings. Therapy wasn’t part of the culture, emotional literacy wasn’t taught in schools or modelled at home. Hugs and kisses were not widely given freely, but you may have recived a slipper in a sensitve place if you stepped out of line, and corporal punishment was regularly dished out in schools.
In many families, there was an unspoken understanding:
Get on with it.
Don’t make a fuss.
Be grateful for what you have….and whilst you’re at it, make your own entertainment.
Praise was often limited and encouragement was subtle or absent. Not out of cruelty, but from a belief that too much affirmation might “spoil” a child or make them soft. Children learned that their presence in a group of adults, wasn’t the main focus and they were to remain well-behaved and quiet or not seen at all until dinner time.
And so many Generation X children learned to quieten their needs.
The Legacy of War and Survival
To understand the boomers, we have to look one step further back.
Their parents were shaped by the First and Second World Wars. Loss, trauma, rationing and instability. Often not having a partner to share the day with and survival was the priority.
When survival is the focus, emotional connection often takes a back seat. Who would find it easy to talk to a child about school, when sirens are going off or the weight of loneliness is very present.
That mindset doesn’t disappear in one generation. It carries forward.
So many boomers were raised by parents who were emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or carrying unprocessed trauma. As a result, they often developed ways of coping that prioritised practicality over emotional attunement.
Often their parenting blueprint if you like, was about providing food, shelter and stability became the expression of love.
And in many ways, they did improve on what they themselves received.
But emotional presence was not always part of that inheritance.
Attachment Patterns and Emotional Distance
If you grow up without consistent emotional attunement, you adapt.
Some people learn to minimise their needs.
Some learn to manage everything themselves.
Some become highly attuned to others but disconnected from their own feelings. This latter one is interesting. If we are affected by our past, we mostly either replicate it or we change it. The attunement is often present, but how to provide compassion, courage, confidence and boundaries for oneself, often feels like it comes with a high price. “What will people think if I don’t do it all? “How will I not look selfish if I take time for myself?”
These patterns often sit beneath the surface in Gen X adults.
You might see:
A strong sense of responsibility
Difficulty asking for help
Discomfort with praise or recognition
A tendency to “just get on with it” even when overwhelmed
A harsh internal critic
A quiet feeling of “I should be able to cope with this on my own”
Again, these are not flaws. They are adaptations.
They made sense at the time.
The Missing Piece: Neurodiversity
There is another layer that often goes unspoken, and that is neurodiversity.
During the time many Gen X children were growing up, there was very little understanding of conditions such as ADHD or autism. Behaviours we would now recognise as differences in attention, emotional regulation or sensory processing were often labelled as “naughty”, “lazy” or “difficult”.
This meant that many children were not only unsupported, but misunderstood. At the same time, it is likely that many parents themselves were also neurodivergent, without ever having the language or framework to understand their own experiences.
What can look, in hindsight, like emotional distance or inconsistency may also have been overwhelm, stress or difficulty regulating their own internal world.
When we bring neurodiversity into the picture, it adds another layer of compassion. Not to excuse harmful behaviour, but to understand that some of these patterns were not just learned, but wired.
For many Generation X adults now exploring their own neurodiversity, this can be both validating and complex. It offers an explanation for past experiences, while also highlighting just how unsupported those early years may have been.
The Cultural Context: Work, Education, and Pressure
Many Boomers left school early and went straight into work and university was not as widely accessible or emphasised as it is today.
There was less focus on personal development, identity or emotional exploration. You simply got married and had children, usually between the ages of 18 and 22.
At the same time, the 70s, 80s, and early 90s brought economic uncertainty. Strikes, inflation, unemployment. Stress within households was real and often unspoken.
Alcohol culture was also more normalised, sometimes becoming a way to cope rather than to connect and divorce rates increased hugely, adding further instability for many children growing up during this period.
So when we look back, we see families doing their best within a system that didn’t prioritise emotional wellbeing in the way we do now. I mean very few people would have even dreamt about going to see a therapist in the 70s and 80s, especially in the UK.
It’s Not About Blame
This is the important part.
It would be easy to frame this as a story of what went wrong.
But that misses the point.
Most parents, in every generation, do the best they can with what they have.
Boomers were parenting without the benefit of:
Widespread mental health awareness
Understanding of attachment theory
Knowledge of neurodiversity (and the acceptance of it)
Cultural permission to talk about feelings
Many were also carrying their own unresolved experiences. What was it like for them to recover from a missing parent fighting overseas? What if a sibling was born before the war and them after, then that sibling left home to get married, when they were very young. Yet another abandonment to deal with.
So rather than blame, what we are really looking at here is a chain of adaptation.
Each generation responding to the conditions it inherited.
What Generation X Carries Forward
What I see now, more than anything, is a generation beginning to reflect.
Generation X often sits in a unique position.
They were not raised with emotional language, but they are now seeking it. They are often heavily into self-help, yoga, meditation and walking.
They learned independence, but are starting to question its cost.
They are raising children differently, often with more openness and awareness.
There is a quiet shift happening.
A move from survival towards understanding.
From self-reliance towards connection.
And that takes courage.
Where This Leaves Us Now
Obviously, we can never generalise, but if any of this resonates with you, it’s worth remembering this:
There is nothing wrong with you.
The patterns you carry made sense in the environment you grew up in.
But you are not bound to them. It is possible to learn to recognise your own needs, allow support in, even if it feels unfamiliar, develop a kinder internal voice, build relationships that include both independence and connection
This isn’t about undoing the past.
It’s about understanding it well enough, that it no longer quietly shapes everything in the background.
The powerful thing is, that when we look at generational patterns with curiosity rather than blame, something shifts.
We stop asking, “What was wrong with them?”
And start asking, “What happened, and how do I want to live now?”
It wasn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility now to live how you want to live.
And that’s where real change begins.
If you want to explore more how you can understand yourself and how you would like to shape your future, then do get in touch about counselling sessions and learn where to begin.
